Invasion of the Tally-Whackers

First I must apologize to The Jeff. I in no way meant to infer that he liked to touch other dudes’ Tally-whackers, and I understand that what he likes to do in his free-time is his own business. However, after all is said and done, it’s still pretty funny. Follow the voices Jeff. They seem to know things we don’t.

In light of the Jeff’s assurance that he did not, does not, and will never touch another gent’s one-eyed-monster (denial? HAHA. He gonna kick my little half-ass when he gets back over here in Japan…bet it makes him want to see me even more), I decided to dedicate this post to the phallic. Seeing as I am one of the biggest Dicks ever to walk this planet (just not as well known as my mushroom headed peers) I am comfy writing about the subject. Prepare as we Enter the Penis…

Tally-Whackers of the Future
(funky music plays in the background)

Science is moving in leaps and bounds. DNA, genetic engineering, and some fucked up people are sure to mesh soon. Here is my prediction on some “enhanced” parts. (CAUTION: this is in really bad taste…as are most of this blog’s posts)

1. The Retractable Flesh Monster – For the fellas who feel that their beef gets in the way, or those who just like to use the function to get off.
2. The Crimson Rod of (dramatic pause) Thunder – Why? Just like a sports car, because some guys just want to compensate. The Crimson Rod will never let him (or her) down.
3. The Ribber Phoenix – Ribbed for the pleasure of both partners. It mimics the effect of a phoenix; feels too good so you shoot off early, but stroke it nicely and the Ribber will rise from the ashes.
4. The Leaning Tower of Penis – Speaks for itself. A work of art to behold. Your partner will be left speechless as you pull this outta your pants. Modeled off of a historic landmark, this will show your partner your respect for worldly culture as you take her (this model not recommended for him) to the moon and back.
5. The Wet Willie – This self lubricating rod of wonder gets wetter as you get hotter.
6. Sammy the Salami – A fat, thick, brick of a dick. Great for those times when you need a hard hat and a big fat tool to get the job done.
7. The Jackhammer – Ever feel pale in comparison to a vibrator? This model will take away all of your insecurities.
8. Sammy the Snake – Long, thin, and flexible. Careful with this one, fellas. It seems to have a mind of it’s own.
9. Tricky Ricky– Pretend you’re Houdini as you do more than the typical disappearing act.
10. The Rugged Rider – Ribbed not manly enough for you? This rough model has a rugged surface most SUV’s wouldn’t dare run over. A real man’s dick.
11. The Hairy Hobbit – Like it small and hairy? Prove that personality makes the man as you drop your drawers and reveal this…player. Hairy Hobbit never fails to cause awe and wonder as it fills out quite well. He only needs a little encouragement.

Due to the outright ridiculousness of this post, we have decided to interrupt it in order to make room for something a little more sensible…

Frigging sensors. The Jeff should rip off their… Oppsie, I forgot that The Jeff don’t wanna touch Tally-Whackers. I wonder how long before The Jeff has someone walk by and tell him he has quite a “Pretty Mouth” for a grown man. (Sorry The Jeff, The Dno can’t resist, Pinch me if you must HAHAHAHA).

BTW:
Nothing phallic will be in the next post.